The Cerebral Catalyst

Apartment 2B
Toiling at a minor league girlie magazine without a doubt exposed Janie Certain, 23, to some of the more curious aspects of society. Reading the snail mail provoked by the tawdry publication she helped to produce was an unbounded source of enlightenment. One particular epistle really moved her.

"Anonymous" from Omaha wrote in to say he loved the layout of Dominique, an African-American porn star with extremely large (and seemingly real) breasts. Janie found this particularly amusing because out of boredom she had infused her girl copy with Situationist-style rants. "Girl copy" is the text that accompanies the nude layouts (or "girl sets") and it usually consists of confessions about secret desires. To keep herself sane, Janie had dear old Dominique going on and on about the meaning of everyday life and how appearing in fuck films was her way of trading her boredom for chaos and making Guy Debord proud.

(Janie's birthday is January 23, 1984. On that day, Hollywood Hulk Hogan defeated The Iron Sheik to win the WWF Championship, thus beginning "Hulkamania.")

Her Nebraskan pal didn't seem to mind any of this. He especially appreciated the fact that darling Dominique was wearing socks but no shoes. However, he had one major bone to pick... so to speak. It turned out Janie's corn-husking reader hated blue socks. In fact, he also harbored resentment towards socks of green, red, pink, and yellow. This poor soul wasn't pushy; he readily admitted to being a "shy, lonely guy" who could "never get" any of my magazine's "beautiful models." It's just that Anonymous in Omaha loved white bobby socks.

Now, here's the kicker: Anonymous actually went out and bought a pair of white bobby socks (cost: 99 cents) and mailed them along with his missive. He wanted someone to pass the socks along to Dominique so the layout could be redone to his liking. He immovably insisted that she wear this exact pair, not "buffed down, but do have them slouched down," he specified.

Before you get the wrong idea about Nebraska's favorite porn fan, consider that he was ready to make a deal. "Please do this," he wrote, "and I will always buy your magazine." Whew, talk about an offer you can't refuse.

In case you're wondering what Janie did with the socks: She brought 'em home, of course. She's washing them as you read this. "I told my boyfriend that I believe they're lucky," says Janie. "Maybe even magic... even if they aren't organic cotton."

Context: According to the Norfolk Genetic Information Network: "Of the total amount of cotton pesticides used worldwide, it is estimated that 35 percent are applied to cotton fields in the United States... Close to $3 billion worth of pesticides are used on cotton worldwide each year."

Apartment 1B
Just one floor below Janie's apartment, a 13-year-old boy named James is on the Internet... in a chat room, making arrangements to meet a 43-year-old man to have sex. James will walk out the door just as Janie is putting her clothes in the dryer. He would never be seen again but police would find the gold cross he always wore.

Context: While biblical scholars and artists alike depict the nails going through Jesus' palms, a French surgeon, Pierre Barbet, decided to test things for himself. He nailed up freshly amputated arms through the palms — just like in all the paintings and movies and all that — and tied weights to the other ends. Barbet found that the nails tore through when the weight was increased to 88 pounds. A human body would exert substantially more force than 88 pounds.

(James' favorite movie is Dude, Where's my Car?)

+++
Time for a Voltaire Break:
"No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible."
+++

Apartment 3C
"My husband David spends so much time on his computer, locked in his room," explains 68-year-old Tracey Moulder. "I think he goes to chat rooms and pretends to be a young woman. I've heard lots of men do that but I'm not sure why. Anyway, I've come up with ways to enjoy my loneliness. It started when I turned down all the lights and watched other people in their apartments. My kitchen window faces a large building so I get plenty of variety. I saw a man trying on his wife's clothes once. It made me laugh but it also made me sad. He had a secret and he couldn't share it with the woman he loved. I think David keeps many secrets from me but as far as I know, he doesn't wear my clothes.

(Tracey's birthday is June 17, 1939. That day saw the last public execution in France. Convicted murderer Eugene Weidmann was decapitated by the guillotine.)

"I've gotten bolder with time," she adds. "Once, as David napped, I stripped off my clothes and walked around the apartment with the lights on and the blinds up. I know not many people probably want to see an old hag like me naked but it felt so good. I got chills when I noticed an old Pakistani man staring at me. I moved toward the window and stared back. He didn't move. He didn't even flinch. This aroused me. David is so emotional and I kinda liked this man's calm look. I touched myself and watched to see if he was repulsed. He just kept staring. His white beard made me smile and I became more and more aroused until I was close to, you know, I was close. The sound of David snoring snapped me out of it and I panicked. I pulled down the shade and rushed around to pull down all the shades. When David came out of the bedroom, I was still naked but he didn't even notice. He never touches me anyway."

Context: Several thousand miles away — in Boca Raton, Florida — a childhood friend of Tracey's is just then going through an old photo album. When the woman finds a picture of she and Tracey frolicking at age 11, it brings tears to her eyes... but she no longer knows how to get in touch with her old friend to share this moment.

Apartment 3D
Henry, 42, is blind. Not legally blind... but sightless nonetheless. Just six months earlier, the man lost his wife of 16 years and, on that day, he stopped seeing. As if he could not bear the sight of a world without his beloved Conté, Henry simply willed himself blind and slipped into a state of inconsolable despondence. It's not like Henry was ever the life of the party... he played the role of brooding writer as well as anyone has. But he was capable of moments of profound bliss and even folly, moments that enchanted his friends and acquaintances alike. Nothing even approaching enchantment has transpired in Apartment 3D in the past eight weeks.

(Henry's favorite book is Memoirs of a Beatnik by Diane DiPrima.)

Context: Henry doesn't know it, but his first grade teacher, Sister Joseph Daniel (real name: Christine Dougherty) is still alive. In a retirement home in Vermont, she is winning big in Bingo. She has lost a foot to diabetes but she is racking up on August 6, 2007.

*The woman (Megan) in 5A is three days away from meeting the man who'd become her husband. (Megan's birthday is March 1, 1981. In that same day, IRA member Bobby Sands began a hunger strike for political status in Long Kesh prison. He died on May 5.)
*The man (Tom) in 4F had sex with another man last night — the first time he's done so since college. (Tom's favorite movie is Requiem for a Dream.)
*The red-haired woman (Fran) in 2E had a terrible fight with her boyfriend over something horrible he did. She just got her revenge by putting detergent in her boyfriend's beloved fish tank. A dozen exotic saltwater creatures suffered death-by-Tide. (Fran's birthday is November 28, 1975: the day Portuguese Timor declared its independence from Portugal as East Timor.)
*The middle-aged woman (Lynn) in 2D has a huge tumor on her spine but she won't find out about it until it's too late. (Lynn's favorite book is The Secret.)
*That overweight woman with the sad face (Gina) that's just entering Apartment 4B performed oral sex on her boss during lunch today. When her boss invited a second man to join them, she was too afraid to say no. Now she's miserable about it. She'll be anorexic within three weeks. (Gina's favorite song is "The Greatest Love of All.")
*The young man (Nick) in 1C isn't aware that his novel is being accepted at this exact moment but the editor will die before he gives the green light. (Nick's favorite movie is Groundhog Day.)
And so it goes on August 6, 2007...

Context: On August 6, 1945, President Harry S. Truman declared: "It is an atomic bomb. It is the greatest thing in history."

______________________________________
Mickey Z. can be found on the Web at mickeyz.net.

posted 06.18.07.

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