The Cerebral Catalyst

Lord, how did it come to this?
I was a vegetarian until the seventh grade,
when my dad said, "You look like a stick my son,
how do you ever expect to get laid?"

So that very evening at Denny's
I ordered a double chicken breast meal.
My god, one taste of the winged beast
and my senses began to reel!

I was hooked on that yummy feast
the one we all know so well.
who knew that this former herbivore
would be duly consigned to hell?

Through the rest of high school
and my college career,
I was voted most likely to nab that ass
and poke it in the rear.

My bench press was unrivaled,
my prowess at the squat no one could match.
Until the day Sweet Spinach Marie
took me in and showed me her stash.

She had greens by the foot, dear friends,
and soy pork to reach the sky.
She was soon to show me
there was more than one way to get high!

She brought me back to my roots,
she showed me the evil of my ways!
how excess feed and clumps of shit
now foul the poor chicken's days.

"Man is out of control!"
my sweet spinach chickpea prophesized
"We have sealed our own fate,
our lust for protein has blinded our eyes."

So we went back to our meal of sacred greens.
Nothing could perfect perfection, we agreed.
Mother Nature will never turn her back
on those who replenish her with seed.

We spent years in domestic bliss,
green and fertile as the tide.
But eventually we drifted apart,
when my taste for meat I could no longer hide

The worm turned cold last May,
when bad news came over the phone.
Sweet Spinach Marie found dead at an ashram in Jersey
rats had gnawned her corpse to the bone.

What was the meaning of this?
she was the picture of health, never even drank.
The coroner confirmed my greatest fear
poisoned spinach, he said, and my heart sank.

I have lost three loves now
but I do not blame Mother Nature in retort.
the fault is only man's,
that vulture who kills his brother for sport.

(2006 Bird Flu Poetry Contest Plague Laureate)
______________________________________
Joseph L. Conty, Jr. wears a buffalo hide tunic and sips peach nectar from a chalice. Known to drink multiple flagons of mead for breakfast and chew bear fat for gum, he would like to remind the public that anyone else who dares to use the moniker of "Captain Fun" isn't fit to carry his merkin.

posted 11.13.06.

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