The Cerebral Catalyst

Captain Fun's Swarthy Brew #19: A Little Schizo
Where is the Captain? Where is my angst, my rage, my lazy, lazy column writer? He's typing this as I speak, so I'll let him tell you. He moved. Or rather, I moved. Sound a little schizo? Well, I am a little schizo these days. Originally published August 20, 2007.

Captain Fun's Swarthy Brew #18: Jim Belushi Marked for Death
I've gotten a bit off track. That's what happens when you lose your shit and you think, hey, I'm alive and I have to do something with it. So what do you want to do? People a hundred years ago did more stuff with their pinky finger than we do before 7 a.m. Originally published July 9th, 2007.

Captain Fun's Swarthy Brew #17: Plane-Train Crashes and Texas-Sized Gashes
At this point, I woke up in my bed and went to the kitchen. The room was spinning, and there was a horrible taste in my mouth, like I had gargled moose nuggets and washed it down with Milk of Magnesia pudding pops. The peach made it a bit better. Eat a peach, as they say. I went back to sleep. Originally published June 4th, 2007.

Captain Fun's Swarthy Brew #16: Captain Fun Returns
What in the hell has the man been doing? I heard he was clean-shaven for almost a month. God knows that didn't last long. Been steadily employed. Dare the Captain climb the corporate ladder? I wouldn't hold your breath, folks. Originally published May 7th, 2007.

Captain Fun's Swarthy Brew #15: Hodgepodge: Three Entries from My Journal
Includes the seminal favorites "Meeting Pleasant," "Don't Wake Up Dad, He Smells Like Garlic," and "Gary Oldman and the Dream of Denim." Originally published June 20th, 2005.

Captain Fun's Swarthy Brew #14
The Captain reviews his Netflix selections and ponders the slapstick talents of Tony Danza. Originally published May 23rd, 2005.

Captain Fun's Swarthy Brew #13
Moving day hijinks with Captain Fun and his old man. The Captain rocks the humor, drinks copious amounts of wine and whiskey, and strikes out with a few girls, all while carrying a giant rainbow umbrella. Originally published May 7th, 2005.

Captain Fun's Swarthy Brew #12
Father Frank is scandalized by a school-aged Captain's fondness for Mad Libs prominently featuring words like "dickhead." Originally published April 18th, 2005.

Captain Fun's Swarthy Brew #11
Captain Fun tangles with a priest on Easter Sunday. Meanwhile, little Billy is on his way to the hobo jungle and all grown up at ten with his knapsack philosophy. Originally published April 4th, 2005.

Captain Fun's Swarthy Brew #10
The Captain is terrified at the sight of his 4-year-old niece's gymnastics class, where children are taught how to feel ashamed of their bodies. He prefers Chuck Norris' "Total Gym." Originally published March 21st, 2005.

Captain Fun's Swarthy Brew #9
The Brew returns! The Captain attends a sausage party, tangles with a giant, watches as his friends are molested and then rip the place off. He rates the whole thing a "4". Originally published March 7th, 2005.

Apocrypha: The Twelve Days of Captain Fun
During the holiday season of 2003, the Captain decided to write a column each day for twelve days, as a sort of existential Advent Calendar. His computer broke down after the third day, and the Brew went on hiatus for over a year.

The Twelve Days of Captain Fun: Day 3
Robert H. Herbert: Masturbator of the Year. From the 2030 Acceptance Speech. Originally published December 16th, 2003.

The Twelve Days of Captain Fun: Day 2
Captain Fun shakes off the brine and barnacles. He drinks bourbon, has a good cry, and remembers an old girlfriend. Originally published December 15th, 2003.

The Twelve Days of Captain Fun: Day 1
The Captain discusses the herd mentality of Christmas shoppers, and wonders if pretending to shop for an engagement ring will be a good way to get a date with the cute brunette working the jewelry counter. He wants to know about your fetishes. Originally published December 14th, 2003.

Captain Fun's Swarthy Brew #5
It's Lollapalooza time. The Captain, trying to avoid the confiscation of his chain wallet, blows his knee out and gets hit by a Corvette. The literary merits of Chicken Little are compared to the North Korean nuclear arms dispute. Originally published August 13th, 2003.

Captain Fun's Swarthy Brew #4
The Captain discusses his love of dinosaurs, and informs us that he spent a lot of time in the school counselor's office. "My name is Joe Conty and I like to draw guns and beat up girls." Originally published July 16th, 2003.

Captain Fun's Swarthy Brew #3
The Captain turns shit into gold, ponders fate, and considers how the years he spent fucking things up led to meeting a lot of interesting new friends. Originally published July 1st, 2003.

Captain Fun's Swarthy Brew #2
"Alcohol. Why do we drink it?" The Captain ponders his favorite poisons, and reminisces about the various upscale and trendy places he's vomited in. Originally published June 1st, 2003.

Captain Fun's Swarthy Brew #1
The Captain's very first column, coinciding with the very first edition of cerebralcatalyst.com. The Captain dreams about trying to cash a large check, and dares you to interact with him. Originally published May 7th, 2003.

______________________________________________
Captain Fun graphics designed by Mike Saoud.

Emergent Properties:

Tip Jar:

Main

F.A.Q.

About

Archives (alphabetical)
Archives (chronological)

Links - Updated 05.05.08

Books - Updated 05.05.08

Pandemic Poetry

Taglines

Site founded May 7th, 2003, by Project Catalyst.
All written material is the copyrighted property of its respective authors.
All other elements can be blamed on the Cerebral Catalyst Editorial Board.