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Cerebral Contents: Update for 05.13.08: Backsliding by Cynthia Ruth Lewis 05.05.08: Five Feet and Building by Joel Van Noord Grocery Aisle by Richard Lighthouse Cross the Road by Ashok Niyogi 04.29.08: The Modern Covenant by Daniel E. Wilcox Death by Onions by Michael Frissore 04.21.08: Future's Children by Kimberly Raiser Identity Theft by George Anderson A Great Deal of Money by Justin Hyde 04.14.08: Mr. Papaya and Dale by Eric Suhem California by Caroline Imreibe Aftermath of Vehement Argument #1,068 by Cynthia Ruth Lewis Trip-Hammer Vitality by Lisa Nickerson 04.07.08: The Florence of Basel, or Why Readers of Nietzsche Need to Read Burckhardt by Jeff Crouch Friends of the Poet by Sean C. Bowen Picture Perfect by Leah Baldwin 03.24.08: Staring Down a White-Tailed Doe by Aleathia Drehmer 03.17.08: The Hairbrush by Vernard Kennedy Dog Days of Winter by Niall Berkeley Poem From My Grave by Michael Lee Johnson Mashed Potatoes and Hamburgers by Matt Finney 03.10.08: Hard Work by Luis Cuauhtemoc Berriozabal Jetty Cake Pigs by J.D. Nelson |
Day 3: 12/16/03 Robert H. Herbert: Masturbator of the Year I cannot say what an honor this is. Since the age of nine, it has been a dream of mine to be on this stage, and now, thirty years later, I am here. Wow, I mean I can't believe I'm on top. I'd like to thank Charles Machinaw, who invented this competition exactly 50 years ago. He gave my life purpose. He gave me a reason to live, and created an art that is unparalleled in any community. To be named Masturbator of the year by the National Ejaculatory Committee is a great honor in it's own right, but if you'll permit me, I would like to give you a little bit of my background. You see, I came from a very religious family, and you have to understand that this was back when masturbating in church was actually frowned upon. I almost quit that day all those years ago when my mother caught me in the bathroom with an illustrated copy of the bible. It's been a rocky ride to the top. I had to deal with girlfriends, women who were actually attracted to me. And then I really hit the bottom of the barrel. I was married. Twice. When I think of all those women and what they did to me... But here I am, one million dollars richer. The things this money can do. The valuable masturbatory research. And I did it all myself. I want to make that clear. All of my 3,713 ejaculations were manual. That was verified by the Sheprock glove. Yet I can't help but feel somewhat sad. I must honor the memory of my best friend, Richie Palmer, who was a victim of his own ambition. For weeks he sat in his depravity capsule, refusing food or water. Eventually, he was turned on to an experimental pleasure module that sent his penis up through his spinal column and out of the back of his head. I despise that Stevens for even thinking he knew anything about pleasure modules or calling himself an innovator. I'd also like to say to all the kids out there that natural is best. Don't give in to the temptations of robotic arms or pleasure modules or especially scented creams. We all have seen the research about them and we know the damage they can do. Remember poor Richie, please! In closing I would like to say that dreams come true and every man and woman should keep hope alive. If there's a libido, there's a way! Visit Captain Fun's Swarthy Archives. ______________________________________ |
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